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lessness

by apdb

supported by
Simon Quinlank
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1.
why do i have to go on as if anything else matters 02:39
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i drank your olive branch on the garage forecourt shut the boy inside crying in the bathroom with the fan turned on a fridge magnet affirmation a station of the cross to fill the empty cot what if i see nothing in the rorschach blot but another holy family in their mid range car with their sunburnt child screaming in his takeaway crown why do i have to go on as if anything else matters
2.
i couldn't bear to come home again with nothing 03:54
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i bought you a paperweight from the duty free at the airport the kind that when you shake it snowflakes chase their children round the food court you think you might be two days late but who's counting anymore imagine if we dared even imagine imagine if the airline called to say my case was somewhere over germany but i still stood in reclaim watching the grey belt circling somehow waiting comes so easily now that long first year's becoming three imagine if we dared even imagine imagine if i couldn't bear to come home again with nothing so i bought you a paperweight from the duty free at the airport the kind that when you shake it snowflakes run the same race over and over i know it's the hope that will break your heart but i just can't help but leave the door ajar imagine if we dared even imagine imagine if
3.
you can lay on hands and sing if you believe in anything 02:42
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i'll race you to the dogwood tree our maiden names strung from the eaves you draft the note i'll cut the key and leave the sidegate open we bought this house to cut the cord and washed the lambs blood off the door but nothing grows here anymore and every birdflight is an omen when you believe in anything do you believe in anything i don't believe in anything so leave your prophets in the whale and your loose change on the rail some people try and never fail but we tried and only tried and you can lay on hands and sing if you believe in anything i don't believe in anything
4.
if i pretend to be happy for you for long enough maybe i'll be happy for you 01:56
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you called after work with the news choosing your words like brushstrokes of foundation over a new bruise i was not always this box of eggshells not knowing then that some beginnings have no end if i pretend that i am happy for you for long enough maybe i'll be happy for you
5.
the chance of anything is one in one 02:45
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6.
all i want is to float on my back belonging to no one 03:43
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all i want is to float on my back belonging to noone unbeholden to all this want this spoiling hunger for some spring yet to come the bud unopened all i need is to be all i want is to lay in the darkness on the bowling green dumb and unemboldened by all this want that wagers the night for a dawn that may never come the word unspoken all i need is to be
7.
and yet there you are getting through it together day after day 02:43
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8.
i picture you coming home sunlit still picking confetti from your teeth 02:15
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i pissed on your living room carpet while you were away on annual leave neglected your cat into the arms of a neighbour your joy was so loud it made me feel small and incomplete a boy again in some older cousins cable knit sweater o come on no harm done i picture you coming home sunlit still picking confetti from your teeth sniffing the air calling his name trailing white streamers and tin cans is it such a crime to want or to be found wanting
9.
a nothing that has become everything 04:05
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in thirty three months all we conceived was an absence a nothing that has become everything a belly swollen only with craving for what we are not now and fear we may yet never be and the more we feed its timpani heart with sepia filtered photographs of newborn mothers blinking back at us or hold her in our arms again our hands over the gashob flame the more it kicks and kicks again again again again again in thirty three months all we conceived was an absence a nothing that has become everything we dream of cutting ourselves open and dragging our once private grief screaming into the world won't you have a hold

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released August 14, 2023

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apdb Edinburgh, UK

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